#I think people are allowed to be upset about a character being sterilized without their consent. yes she’s a cat. yes cat’s should be

[holydramon]

honestly I think I’m gonna start blocking people who dismiss people’s concerns regarding the frostpaw thing cause. jfc.

[cherubchoirs]

An Explanation of Yaldabaoth

So with Christmas Eve coming up, let’s finally talk about Yaldabaoth – who he is, his motivations and goals, and why he suits P5’s story. Basically, I see a lot of confusion (as well as frustration) surrounding his character and his status as the final antagonist, but I totally get that. His writing is messy and his execution left a lot to be desired, despite the idea of him being sound, so I understand why so many players felt he came out of nowhere and screws up the story’s themes. As I am (unfortunately) a big fan of his character, I wanted to put together a post that might help people confused by him see how he fits in, why he was included in the story, and why he makes a satisfying final boss for the plot of P5. And even if you still hate him (totally fair! Everyone’s got different taste and no matter what, his handling is god awful), I just hope I can sort of explain him so he at least makes more sense. This is going to be long, so let’s get started!

First, Yaldabaoth (also known as the Demiurge) is a figure from Gnostic lore, the false god of the material world. He came to be when Sophia, a part of the unknowable, Supreme God, decided to create something separate from the Pleroma (the divine totality) all on her own, without divine permission. So she gave birth to Yaldabaoth; however, he was so monstrous she grew immediately ashamed of her creation, and so provided him with a throne which she then wrapped in a cloud to hide him and make him ignorant in turn. Unable to behold his mother or the divine, he then believed himself to be god. Because of this, Yaldabaoth set about creating the material world, a place he unwittingly based upon the true world of divinity. His creations are animal, like him, but with Sophia’s divine spark as she provides him the power to create. This world is poorly made due to Yaldabaoth’s own incompetence and so that divine spark is trapped in the material, making it something like a spiritual prison. Because of this, however, humanity can ascend while Yaldabaoth cannot, making him envious of human beings. He grows to hate humanity, angered by their imperfection (as he bungles their creation) and the fact that they can ascend while he’s forever trapped in the depths – he turns spiteful, and he is sometimes thought of as the God of the Old Testament as an explanation for his cruelty. Obviously this is incredibly simplified (as I am by no means an expert on Gnosticism), but this is the basis of his character, and I think it really is something the writers played with (including that Satanael, his son, is the one to rebel against him and his ignorance, which is why he is cast from heaven).

A false, artificial god who believes himself to be the Supreme Being, resents humankind, and traps them in a prison...sounds pretty familiar. So what’s different about his character in P5? This Yaldabaoth is the creator of the Metaverse, and he is born from the will of the public – people wished for ease and comfort over free will, the luxury to be free of making decisions and taking responsibility for themselves, which the Holy Grail explains to the PTs as its origin.

However, Yaldabaoth is also just a manifestation of that need - one that gained sentience through the power it was fed, but he is still simply the unconscious desire of the public made material as pointed out by Lavenza (but this explanation scene is where things get rushed, confusing, and glossed over to a frustrating extent)

Yaldabaoth IS society, a tangible stand-in for the true villain of P5 – The people of the public that allow, condone, and even encourage those the PTs have fought. They can defeat criminals, but as long as society remains intact, another will immediately spring up to take their place. Makoto actually states as much when Joker comes to retrieve her from her cell:

Yaldabaoth, therefor, is not just a god thrown into the plot randomly for the biggest bad possible – he is the evils of society incarnate, the people who allow the heinous crimes the PTs had been fighting against, the people that consumed these devastating crimes as entertainment or turned a blind eye to people in need, the people that threw the PTs out the minute any doubt was cast on them. The apathetic, uncaring, callous public as a whole, the ones who constantly ignore or support these criminals until it is no longer convenient (more on that in a minute) – The palace rulers are absolute monsters and yet...we see them all over society because they are a product of that society. And then there’s Futaba, an orphan and mentally ill girl left to rot by society; Sae, a woman trying so hard to achieve her justice and support her sister, constantly stamped down in a society that says a woman can’t, a woman shouldn’t. Society is the true villain and Yaldabaoth is their collective will, manifested so that the final boss battle of the game can just be the PTs taking down the whole of a corrupt society. It’s really the ultimate culmination of their efforts and what they’ve fought against. Because as awful as they all are, the palace rulers are products of a screwed up society (one that reflects our own) – Totally and 100% responsible for their acts, but they were allowed to exist due to this society.

SO if they’re made by society, why are they “escaped convicts” from the Prison of Regression? This is a representation of how society is broken – it creates these criminals, it condones their actions, but once they become too “disruptive”, THEN and ONLY then do they become an issue. Yaldabaoth, to me, is similar to a supercomputer type villain (think AM, a very similar character imo) – the palace rulers are errant, erratic variables that upset the status quo and so must be culled. His dialogue reads very much like a sterile computer program and I think rather than completely outright malicious in his intent, he is performing what he believes to be a necessary function:

Society creates them, encourages them, and then becomes upset when their actions are brought to light and so punishes them (or in Shido’s case at first and so often irl, are let off) so as to quickly restore equilibrium where they can once again ignore all of their ills. Essentially, the palace rulers exhibit that the whole system is sick and doesn’t work, yet people by and large pretend it does because it’s so much easier to say it was one “bad apple” or blame the victims rather than admitting the entire framework of society is completely rotten from the inside out.

What is Yaldabaoth’s goal then? He sets up a game to see if society can be shaken from this apathy or if they no longer wish to lead their own lives. Joker plays the trickster, an antihero the public can root for, the rebellious and glamorous rogue that punishes criminals without help of the establishment. If he wins, this would indicate the public no longer wishes for the status quo, but for a new society that wants to reinvent itself, which is generally well explained...

Goro Akechi is his opposite – He creates chaos and fear in the public to push them back into their comfortable boxes, make them wish for the status quo represented by Shido so they can stop living in fear and return to their lives where they can ignore everything around them. If he wins, this would signal that the public don’t want to fight but instead only want security and familiarity, choosing to turn a blind eye to everything the trickster had accomplished in order to remain safe. (This is made much less clear in the dialogue, because they don’t go over Goro’s role much at all.)

He sets up the entire game on this premise, and the experiment runs...however, it ends unexpectedly. Joker succeeds in taking down Akechi and the PTs expose Shido’s crimes as well as the conspiracy itself, but the public still does not support the Phantom Thieves. They clamor for a disgraced Shido and THIS is why Joker still loses – remember, Yaldabaoth is only a representation of society itself, and society no longer believes in the Phantom Thieves. Yaldabaoth did expect the loss, he knew how far gone humanity was, he just didn’t expect this exact scenario. Of course, the game was rigged – as Lavenza says, Yaldabaoth expects Joker to fulfill the role of the Trickster and so he keeps him close, watching over him in an attempt to stall him out as Lavenza explains. 

However, due to the set up of the game, the only win condition is public support. Joker doesn’t earn it and therefor he loses, a decision that is not arbitrary despite possibly appearing so (although it is certainly unfair, pointed out by Morgana).

After offering Joker his deal (that’s a whole OTHER post I could write, y’all know I’m a clown), Yaldabaoth then moves to merge reality with Mementos in order to exert his will over the whole of the public. He wishes to rid them of their free will because, as Yaldabaoth sees it, it seems a vast majority of the public wish to no longer have it anyway and the ones that do merely become anomalies that must be purged from his system before they become too disruptive. Of course, this is an oversimplified way of viewing the issue, but again, he’s sort of like a computer – he will take care of the issue in the most efficient way possible, and that is to rule over society himself. (Again, using the word “administrator” invokes computer terminology and likens him to a mechanical program):

Interestingly, his defeat is brought about by the public backing the Phantom Thieves 100% - an action that triggers Arsene’s evolution into Satanael, Yaldabaoth’s rebellious son. Satanael is of the Fool Arcana, the confidant that represents Joker’s bond to Yaldabaoth himself...to the public, in a sense, and so it’s fitting that this persona is the one to destroy him as he is no longer needed.

So Yaldabaoth is both a character in his own right and representative of the will of the public as well. His writing is confusing, lacking in explanation, and relies heavily on obscure references to his Gnostic roots along with religious symbolism (eg., the floors of Mementos taking their names from the Qliphoth and the palace rulers being representative of the seven deadly sins), and I think that’s why he feels so out of place to so many players. However, the best possible final antagonist for P5’s themes and plot is society itself – the society that shunned them, the society that created the palace rulers, the society that desperately needs to be done away with if we wish for these travesties to come to an end. Because P5 isn’t about individual evil, it’s about institutional evils that create and perpetuate so much individual pain that goes unnoticed and uncared for. Yaldabaoth is the amalgamation and manifestation of that broken system, he gives it a presence and a voice so that the PTs can fight back against it physically. So even though his writing is handled poorly and his execution is lacking, I find him to be a perfect fit and a satisfying conclusion to P5’s themes as an unfair, cruel society turned into a dogmatic god. 

This meta really just gives an overview of everything he represents, so I can always go into more detail about any of the points but I hope this explanation helps those that were confused by his inclusion in P5! I’m perfectly happy to elaborate on anything I talked about and clear up any confusion (I didn’t want this post to go on literally FOREVER, so I know some things might require more info), so feel free to ask questions! Other than that have a happy Day of Reckoning and remember to celebrate Bad End Akira’s birthday 🥳🎉

[bobasheebaby]

The World We Made- Be Careful What You Wish For chapter 9

Pairing: Drake x MC; Liam x MC

Word count: 1,261

Warnings: character death, Evil Liam

Summary: Press conference and news comes to light.

Song inspiration: The World We Made by Ruelle

A/N: A huge thank you to @sirbeepsalot for all of her help and advice and being an ever patient sounding board. (MoE thanks DoE as well.) I have no excuse, but I told you you might not be happy. Okay, okay I cave, but I warned you!

Series warnings: Evil Liam, dark!fic, deceit, manipulation, dub con, possible NSFW content, possible character death. This is taking the Liam from TRH to the extreme, he is not the Liam we know and love. By clicking read more you acknowledge you are at least 18 years of age.

Let me know if you want to be added or removed from the taglist.

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters, I’m simply borrowing from PB for a bit.

Liam drummed his fingers against his dark mahogany desk. He would have preferred to announce their engagement shortly after returning from New York but he had a few obstacles he needed to deal with before he could. Just a few more days my love.

His phone lit up, a wry smile spreading upon his lips.

He’ll be released into Mr Lykel’s care tomorrow.

It’s about damn time!

Liam: Excellent.

He was told to keep him calm, I believe he decided on taking him camping.

Liam’s smirk grew sinister. Oh Bas, I do hope you are fully prepared.

*

Two days later...

“I think we’re lost. I’m pretty sure we made a wrong turn somewhere back there.” He spun, taking in his surroundings. “Dude! Are you listening to me?! I said I think we’re lost!”

“Can it dude! I think something happened here.”

“Oh god, there aren’t any bears around here are there? Are we safe?”

“There aren’t any bears in Cordonia, remember.” He shoved his companions shoulder. “That’s the reason we came here. Cause it sure as hell ain’t for the babes.”

“What babes?”

“Exactly. And if you do find a halfway decent girl she acts like she’s better than us.”

“What do you think happened here?”

Eyes scanned the clearing, tent half standing, disturbed earth like there had been a struggle, boat capsized in the middle of the lake, bloody trail from the camp to the lake. “Nothing good.”

“Should we call for help?”

“What are you, and idiot?! We look to see if any valuables were left behind and then we call for help.”

“Heh. Dude good plan.”

Shuffling of feet, a crunch. “What was that?”

“Looks like a note.”

Rebecca,

I loved you with all my heart. Clearly you weren’t the woman I thought you were or you never would have left me when I was at my lowest. I can’t bare to continue without you by my side, hopefully whoever is on the other side will understand and not fault me for what I’m about to do.

All my love,

Drake

*

Rebecca stepped towards the podium, her arm linked through Liam’s. The press erupted into a flurry of questions and flashes. Liam raised his free hand, silencing the crowd in an instant. “It is with great pleasure that I announce my engagement to Duchess Rebecca.” He turned beaming at her. You’re finally mine. Nothing is in our way now.

The crowd shared stunned looks. “Your Majesty, isn’t Duchess Rebecca married to Duke Drake?”

Liam smiled, not even fazed by the question. “Duchess Rebecca and Drake Walker were kind enough to help flush out a threat. Shortly before my coronation it was brought to my attention that there was a faction who wished to bring Cordonia and I to our knees. The scandal that followed was orchestrated by them. I chose Madeline hoping to bide time as there were also threats made directly against Lady Rebecca. We were able to easily locate Tariq to clear her name but unable to find those behind the plots. Duchess Rebecca and Drake Walker had both offered to pose engaged to help draw them out as by that time threats had also been made against me directly. We were unable to draw them out until the evening after they were ‘married.’ I would like to apologize to the country for any confusion our plans to put those who wished to destroy Cordonia may have caused.”

“Why are we just hearing of this now months after the Sons of Earth were stop?”

“There were still a few members we needed to flush out. Also I wanted to ensure that the entire threat had been eradicated before I exposed our hand. As of this morning all known members of the Sons of Earth have been punished to the full extent of the law.”

“Does that mean—”

“Anton and his supporters were executed this morning. Cordonia is officially safe.”

Olivia stared unblinkingly at the television as she watched the ease with which Liam lied to the press. That smooth bastard. She picked up her phone dialing his number. Play ball, killing Anton and freeing me was as much a threat as it was a gift. She knew he was up to something and she had made her choice, play it smart, don’t get in his way, survive.

“Duchess Olivia, I was expecting your call.”

She forced a smile, he wouldn’t be able to see it, but he should be able to hear it in her tone. He’d won, gotten what he wanted, now she needed to show she supported him and appreciated what he did for her. “Liam, I saw the press release. I wanted to apologize for offering to carry your heir. Had I known that Drake and Rebecca were merely a ruse I would never have suggested it.” She paused, the lies coming from her mouth turning her stomach. Survive. “I also wanted to thank you for releasing me from my marriage to Anton.”

“Of course, anything for a friend.”

She winced at the thinly veiled threat. Oh how she wanted to put him in his place, but it was clearer than ever that he’d become even worse than Constantine to get what he wanted. I won’t become collateral damage. “I’m leaving the country for a bit so I will be unable to attend your wedding but I wish you and Rebecca all happiness life can bring.” She tuned him out, as she fought back the bile. She finally hung up the phone. Dialing another number. “Come on come on. Pick up!” She tapped her foot as she waited for an answer, she needed to warn them before it was too late. She sighed as it clicked to voicemail. Hopefully Bastien and Drake are smart enough to know to stand down and leave.

*

Later...

Rebecca clicked on the tv in the Royal Apartments, their home. She’d become bored when Liam was called for urgent business. Maybe there is something mindless I can watch. She rolled her eyes. She stopped channel surfing as the headline broke across the bottom of the screen.

HEAD OF THE ROYAL GUARD MISSING AND EX COMMONER DRAKE WALKER ASSUMED DEAD IN APPARENT SUICIDE

She stared at the screen. Drake, dead? She jumped as she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry to scare you.”

She shook her head with a laugh. “It’s fine, I just didn’t realize you were back.”

“I didn’t want you to find out like that.” Liam gestured to the screen, the image of the strewn campsite on the screen, people out dragging the lake. “Are you okay love?”

She flicked her eyes back to the screen before turning with a broad smile. “I’m fine.”

Liam looked at her stunned. “Are you sure? It’s okay if you aren’t.” He sat next to her, placing a comforting arm around her.

“Do you want me to be sad? I’m sure I can pretend.” She flipped her golden blonde hair over her shoulder, allowing her face to fall, lower lip subtly shaking. “Though I’m not sure why you’d want me to be sad.” She straddled his lap batting her lashes. “Isn’t this what you wanted, you and me, happily ever after?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Isn’t that why you did everything? Made Drake go crazy, I’m pretty sure you had something to do with him being sterile, and now you had Drake killed and probably Bastien too, right?”

Liam swallowed, I sure how to respond. “You’re not upset?”

“Why would I be? You finally fought for me.”

Feedback fuels me, please like, comment reblog or send an ask. Feel free to scream, I promise I can take it.

Masterlist can be found in my bio.

Taglist will be reblogged.

[pocket-luv101]

Strange Events || Chapter 3

Fandom: Servamp Ships: KuroMahi (main), LawLicht (side), Tetsono (side), Jekuni (side) Characters: Kuro, Mahiru, Hyde, Licht, Tetsu, Misono, Snow Lily, Mikuni, JeJe

Summary: When Mahiru’s friend goes missing, he searches through the woods for him. He comes across a boy with psychic abilities. He hoped Kuro would be able to help him find Misono. (Stranger Things AU) A/N: This was an AU that @viconekochan suggested.

Ch.1 || Ch.2 || (Ch.3) ||

“The game is almost ready.” Mahiru said as he plugged the game system into the television. He walked back to Kuro who was sketching on the recliner. He was curious about what he was drawing and glanced at the sketchbook as he stood next to him. The page was blank and Kuro simple glide the pencil over the paper. “Are you having trouble thinking of something to draw?”

“Sensei always told me who to draw.” Kuro told him and put down the sketchbook. He glanced around the living room and found that it was different from the sterile room he knew. The warm colours were welcoming and the plush furniture was comfortable. He didn’t know if he could touch anything so he stayed in the recliner.

“You can draw whatever you want now. If you see something that inspires or intrigues you, you should try to draw it. I’m not an artist so I don’t know what kind of advice I should give you. But I’m a great baker and you can have as many cookies as you want.” Mahiru pointed to the jar of cookies on the table. “Just be careful not to get crumbs everywhere.”

He reached down and took the controller from the table. He sat on the arm of the recliner and placed the controller on Kuro’s lap. As he studied the game controller, Mahiru scrolled through the channels. “You have to be on channel three to play. But if you get bored of the game, you can watch cartoons. Just click this button on the remote to find another channel.”

Kuro changed the channel like he showed him. A movie appeared on the screen and he tilted his head at the confusing costumes the actors wore. “Why are they wearing disguises? There’s a lot of singing and dancing too. Are they trying to perform a ritual?”

“It’s Halloween and the characters are at a ball.” From Kuro’s expression, it was likely he didn’t know about the holiday. He smiled sympathetically and told him, “Halloween is my favourite holiday. People dress up and go around the neighbourhood to collect candy. We’re a little old for trick-or-treating but there are fun things to do like the Halloween Ball.”

They watched the scene where a boy approached a girl and asked her to dance. Mahiru spoke his thoughts out loud. “Isn’t it romantic? You’re sitting alone but then a mystery person comes and asks you to dance. You probably think I’m weird. Most guys prefer action movies over romantic comedies.”

“I don’t think it’s weird. I’ve never been to a Halloween Ball before but it looks like everyone’s dancing.” Kuro thought Mahiru would be able to find someone to dance with easily. He was kind and he made him feel comfortable with his smile. His next words made Mahiru blush. “I can dance with you at the ball. We’re friends now.”

He realized that Kuro didn’t fully understand the concept of asking someone to dance. Mahiru wasn’t sure if he should explain it to him. Instead, he said: “Thank you but the Halloween Ball is held at our school. You’re too scared to come upstairs without the curtains being closed so you won’t be comfortable at the ball. It’s okay, Kuro. Let’s get back to the video game.”

Mahiru switched the channel so they could play the game. He leaned closer to Kuro and taught him how to play the game. He was so close that he could smell the subtle scent of his hair. Kuro stared at the buttons on the controller and thought back to the control panel Sensei showed him once. He wasn’t allowed to touch the buttons no matter how curious he was.

“What does this one do?” He asked but he almost immediately bit his tongue. He was accustomed to people being irritated with him if he asked them too many questions. Yet, Mahiru only smiled and explained the controls to him. Kuro relaxed and played through the level with Mahiru’s help. He quickly learned the game mechanics and beat the next level.

“You’re pretty good at this. Oh, watch out for the fireball.” Mahiru found himself caught up in the game and excitedly patted his arm. Time passed quickly without him noticing as they played and talked. The clock above the television caught his attention and he sat up. “I missed two periods already. I should get going. Feel free to help yourself to anything in the fridge if you get hungry.”

“Okay,” He said despite how much he wanted him to stay. Kuro looked down and saw a lever on the side of the recliner. He became curious and reached towards it. “What does this do? Is it connected to the TV like the controller?”

Kuro pulled the lever to test if it would affect the television. He was surprised when the chair suddenly tilted back and he was laying down. The sudden movement made Mahiru lose his balance and he fell forward onto Kuro’s chest. Mahiru groaned softly and rubbed his head. “Well, it looks like you found the release lever. It turns the chair into bed if you pull it.”

“Was I not supposed to pull it?” Kuro asked, worried that he upset or hurt him. The regret on his face pulled on Mahiru’s heart and he smiled reassuringly at him.

He patted his hair and said, “It’s okay. Next time, make sure you warn me or else I might fall off.”

Mahiru slipped off his lap and gently took Kuro’s hand. He tugged him to his feet and showed him around the rest of his home. After he finished giving him a tour, they returned to the living room. He put on his backpack and then faced Kuro. He was looking over the photos on his mantle. Mahiru moved to stand next to him and said, “That’s a photo of Uncle Toru, Tsurugi, Licht and me.”

“Your family?” Kuro looked at the next photograph and pointed to Mahiru standing with his friends. “You.”

“That was the year we won the science fair. It was a lot of fun.” His smile became sad when he looked at Misono. He was still worried for him and he wished he knew where he was. He sat Kuro’s expression in the corner of his eyes and there seemed to be something troubling him.

Kuro reached out and pointed at Misono. He didn’t say a word and Mahiru asked, “Do you recognize him? Did you see him last night in the forest?”

“Not in the forest.” Kuro shook his head and dropped his hand. “Somewhere dark.”

“Can you tell me about it?” Mahiru didn’t want to push him but he needed to find his friend. “Please, tell me about where you saw him.”

“You said the person called you after I left?” JeJe picked up the phone to examine it. The receiver was charred like he described earlier. He briefly told him about the call already but JeJe didn’t know what to make of it. “Last night’s storm must’ve caused the burn. You should get another phone and check the wiring for your home. For the call, it’s probably a cruel prank.”

“But I heard Misono’s voice! Hyde did too. Misono didn’t say anything but I know it was him. Can’t you ask the phone company for records of incoming calls?” Mikuni insisted and he could see that JeJe was skeptical. “I know I sound desperate but it was Misono’s breathing. If Lily called you, wouldn’t you know it’s your brother.”

“I would be desperate for any sign that he was alive. Mikuni, this is difficult but we need to keep a leveled head.” He reminded him. “If you get more prank calls, you can keep a record of them. I’ll look into them if they become a problem. Let’s focus on finding Misono. Where would he go if he was in danger and he can’t run to his friends?”

“He had a fort in the woods but I already checked it the day we discovered him missing. There’s a short cut through the back fence that he uses.” Mikuni led him to the backyard. He took him to a corner of the fence where there was a small gap in the bars. JeJe was surprised Misono could fit through the hole even though he was small. “Hyde ran his car into the fence and made the hole.”

“I have several questions about that but I don’t want to know the answer. There aren’t any sign of blood. If he used this hole to run away, it means he wasn’t hurt.” Mikuni felt slightly relieved. JeJe glanced up at the top of the gate. “Are the security sensors in the same area?”

“Yeah. Give me a boost and we can climb over the fence. It’s faster than walking around the house. Don’t trip the alarm.” He ordered and JeJe groaned. He didn’t want to argue with him throughout the investigation so he gave in quickly. JeJe cupped his hands and helped him reach the top of the gate. Mikuni placed his hands on his shoulder and stepped onto his palm.

He pulled himself onto the stone pillar at the corner of the gate. Mikuni was careful not to move in front of the alarm’s sensor. Once he was perched safely on the small ledge, he reached down to help JeJe climbed up. The gate was tall and it would be difficult for anyone to climb over it. They were only able to scale the gate as a team because they would often do so as children.

JeJe jumped to the ground first and turned around to help Mikuni down as well. He was taken by surprised when Mikuni leapt off the pillar and into his chest. He managed to catch him without tumbling to the ground. With a groan, he said: “You need to warn me before you do something like this.”

“We don’t have the time when Misono’s missing.” He slid down and took his hand to drag him away. “We already searched the west side of the woods where his fort is. We should look for any clues Misono might’ve left behind in the east side now. It’ll help us organize the search party.”

The search party wouldn’t officially gather until the afternoon but Mikuni wanted to spend as much time searching as he could. They walked through the woods and he scanned the ground. He didn’t know what to look for but he hoped something would stand out to him. He trusted JeJe’s experience as the town’s chief and asked: “How do you know something is a clue?”

“Since we don’t know what happened to Misono, it’s hard to say what to look for. For now, just look for anything that’s out of place.” JeJe told him.

“What about that?” Mikuni pointed to a grate cover laying on the ground. He picked it up and searched the ground around them. A few feet away, there was a pipe tunnel. He walked to the small tunnel and held the grate against the opening. It appeared to fit and Mikuni looked through it. “Do you think Misono could’ve crawled through here to escape the person chasing him?”

“It’s pretty small and you’ll have to be desperate to crawl through here.” JeJe remembered Hyde telling him that Misono was able to hide in small spaces. Would a teenager be able to pry open the grate off the tunnel though? He knelt next to Mikuni to look through the tunnel. “Property of The Servamp National Laboratory. That’s the energy plant nearby.”

“That must be where he is!” Mikuni shot to his feet. “We should go there right now.”

“We can’t go barging into a private, government property, Mikuni. There’s a proper way to do things. We have to call them and explain why we want a tour of their facilities. He might not be there though. If Misono crawled to the other side, they would’ve sent him to the police already.” JeJe reasoned. Mikuni didn’t appear satisfied with that answer and sighed. “I’ll give them a call and we’ll go there tomorrow.”

After school, Tetsu and Lily went to Mahiru’s home. He didn’t go to class so his friends wanted to check on him. They knew Mahiru was kind but they weren’t certain if he should’ve taken in a stranger. Licht was staying with him so they knew he wouldn’t be alone with him. They knocked on the door and waited for Mahiru to answer.

Tetsu noticed that all of the curtains were drawn even though it was the middle of the day. He wasn’t able to think about it much before Mahiru opened the door. A relieved expression appeared on his face the moment he saw them. He unhooked the chain on the door and let them inside. With a hushed whisper, he pointed to the basement. “I need to tell you guys something in private.”

“What is it?” Lily was worried by how tense Mahiru was. He couldn’t see the boy they helped the previous night and he wondered if he told Mahiru something strange. They followed him down the basement where Kuro was sitting in a small, pillow fort. He had the super-com in his hands and he shuffled through the channels.

He heard them approach and he looked up. Mahiru knelt in front of him and gently took the radio from his hands. He wrapped his hands around his and squeezed them lightly. He could see that Kuro saw nervous and he wanted to reassure him. “It’s okay, Kuro. You can trust Tetsu and Lily. They were with me when I found you in the woods.”

“Friends?” He whispered and Mahiru nodded confidently.

“What is he still doing here, Mahiru? I thought you were going to take him to the police.” Lily whispered to him. He thought it was better to let the police help him because they had more resources. He wanted to focus on finding Misono as well.

“I was going to but that might put Kuro in danger. There are dangerous people after him. We can’t let them find him.” Mahiru took a deep breath and hoped they would believe his next words. “I think he knows what happened to Misono as well. This morning, he was able to point out Misono in this photo. We did find him in the same place Misono disappeared. The bad men could be involved as well.”

“Isn’t that even more reason to tell the police?” Lily pointed out. “We should tell our parents at least.”

Tetsu walked past both of them and knelt in front of Kuro. He placed his hands in his shoulders and shook him lightly. “Do you know where Misono was taken? If you know what happened to him, please tell us. Help us find him, Big Brother.”

“You’re going to scare him, Tetsu.” Mahiru knew that Tetsu would never hurt a person but he rushed to stop him. He felt protective of Kuro and placed himself between the two. He could tell that he had been through a lot and he didn’t want anything else to hurt him. “You’re not going to get any answers if you force him like that.”

“This isn’t going to get us anywhere. I’m going to get my brother.” Lily was JeJe’s brother and he thought it was best if he knew about Kuro. He turned to walk up the stairs but the table flew into his path. The three stared at the furniture that began to pile in front of the stairs. Cautiously, Tetsu tried to pull the table away from the stairs. The table flew back to the entrance like a magnet.

“No.” The voice made them turn around. There was a trickle of blood flowing out of his nose.

“Kuro, what happened to your nose?” Mahiru walked to him and wiped the blood with his sleeve. He couldn’t stop picturing the furniture moving and question how they were able to move on their own. In a soft voice, he asked: “Did you just do that, Kuro?”

“I don’t want to go back to the bad people.” His words caused the room to spin beneath Mahiru’s feet. He didn’t know how to process that Kuro was able to move things with his mind. He thought that it was only something he would see in movies. “Are you scared of me now? I can leave.”

“You’re my friend so I won’t let you face those bad men alone.” Mahiru whispered back. He turned to face his friends and said, “Let’s not do anything rash and take a moment to think. We can talk about what we should do after dinner.”

“That demon called me a fake. Can you believe that, Kranz?” Licht complained to his friend over the phone. He laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. “He thought I was one of those gossiping jerks when I tried to be nice to him. Then, I wasn’t able to find the music room either! Maybe I can sneak back into the school tomorrow. Hopefully, Mahiru will be able to go to school.”

“If you don’t have anything else planned, do you want to go to a party? My friend is throwing a party and it’s in the town Mahiru lives in. His house is on Mirkwood, near the woods. It’ll be fun.” He suggested. Licht considered it but he doubted he would have much fun. Kranz would likely be the only person he knew at the party. He didn’t have many friends since his family moved a lot.

Then, Kranz said: “It has been a long time since we could talk in person.”

“Yeah. What’s the address?” Kranz was the first friend he ever made and he cared enough to send letters and call. He gave him the address and he wrote it down quickly. He grabbed his jacket and climbed down the stairs. Mahiru was in the dining room with his friend and Licht waved to his cousin. “Mahiru, can I borrow your bike? I want to go to a friend’s house. This is his address.”

“This is close to Misono’s home. That was where my friend disappeared. I don’t think you should go near the woods when it’s dark outside. There might be bad men in the woods or other dangerous things.” Mahiru warned. He looked to Kuro but he didn’t add anything else. Kuro knew Mahiru wanted him to warn Licht about the woods but he couldn’t describe the things he saw there.

“I’m a strong angel so you don’t need to worry about me.” Licht puffed his cheeks in annoyance. Mahiru knew how stubborn his cousin was and that he could quickly become unreasonable. With that thought, he was surprised when Licht seemingly relented. He muttered something and walked away.

He sneaked into the garage and found Mahiru’s bike resting against the wall. Licht told himself he would apologize to Mahiru once he returned. He didn’t know where the house was but he knew its general location. He rode the bike down the street and towards the woods. The street signs helped him find his way to Mirkwood.

The lighting suddenly changed around him and he realized that it was the headlights of the car. He moved closer to the sidewalk to let the car pass. The car slowed next to him and the window rolled down. It was dark so he couldn’t see the driver. Licht was able to recognize his voice though. “You shouldn’t be out at this time of night. Where are you going? I can give you a lift.”

“Keep your eyes on the road, Shit Rat.” Licht snapped back.

Hyde was confused by his tone and he turned on his dashboard’s light. They were finally close enough for him to see him clearly and he recognized him from the school. He pressed the gas and drove forward with the intention of ignoring Licht. He thought he was like the other high schoolers he knew and decided that it was best not to bother with him.

His shift ended early and he planned to search the forest for any sign of Misono. He glanced at Licht in the mirror and groaned to himself. Hyde couldn’t leave him riding his bike alone in the dark when his own brother disappeared in a similar situation. He slowed down until Licht was beside him again. “Do you need a ride? If it’s close, I’ll drop you off.”

Licht was surprised by his offer since he believed he would drive away. He considered it but his pride stopped him. “I think I’m close to the party already so I don’t need your help.”

“You think?” Hyde raised a brow but Licht didn’t respond. He watched him ride away on his bike and he didn’t stop him again.

“Where is Hyde?” Mikuni finished installing the new phone and looked at the clock. His brother should’ve returned ten minutes ago. He wished he could call him but he didn’t have a cell phone. Misono was missing and he didn’t want the same thing to happen to Hyde. The phone rang and he hoped that it was Hyde to tell him he was working a double shift or JeJe with news.

“Hello?” He answered the phone but the person didn’t answer him immediately. The line was filled with static and he remembered the last call was similar. He didn’t know if he was deluding himself but he thought he could hear someone breathing heavily. “Misono, is that you? Please, tell me where I can find you.  It’s okay if you don’t know where you are. Just tell me what you can see.”

Mikuni twisted the cord around his finger as he listened for an answer. He almost dropped to his knees when he heard Misono’s voice. “Home…”

He wasn’t able to hear anything more as the static abruptly became louder. The sound made Mikuni winced but he forced himself to hold onto the phone. He closed his eyes and focused on the call for any distinct sounds. Mikuni noticed that the buzzing was from more than the phone and opened his eyes. The lights and electronics around the living room were flicking on and off.

“Mikuni!” Small sparks almost burnt him but he quickly dropped the phone. He saw that the phone was charred like before. The lights all turned off by themselves but Mikuni couldn’t move to switch them back on. He didn’t know if something was wrong with the electricity or if he was losing his mind.

The lights in the hallway flickered back on but its strange pattern caught his attention. He walked down the hall and stopped in front of Misono’s room. Mikuni glanced down where light filtered out from beneath the door. He took a deep breath and stepped inside. The room was empty and the same as how he left it. “I’m losing my mind.”

“Where is your ancient courage?” The cassette player blared to life. Mikuni recognized it as a quote from Coriolanus, one of Shakespeare’s plays. Both of his brothers liked his work and had audio cassettes of his plays. He stood in front of the cassette player and stared at the spinning wheel. He thought he could hear more sounds from the player and his brows furrowed.

“Misono?” As if responding to him, the lamp next to the player began to brighten. He thought it would explode because of how bright it became. The lamp and the record shut off and the room was pitched in darkness again. Mikuni’s hands shook as he grabbed the large player to examine it. He hoped there was a logical reason why it played by itself.

A low grumbled echoed throughout the room and Mikuni thought it was from the player. He looked up and dropped the cassette when he saw the wall start to deform. He stepped back sharply and tripped over the carpet. Mikuni blinked a few times and the light came on again. Everything appeared normal but Mikuni was certain he saw something in the wall.

[svu-stories]

.86

Characters: Barba/Female Reader Warnings: TW: Suicide Mention; TW: Psych Unit Setting Word Count: 2,165 Note: So, I’ve been doing a lot of processing of my short stay in the psych unit a few months ago. I’d started this shortly after…and it didn’t get finished. This was a cathartic outpouring this morning after a sleepless night. It’s not exactly what happened, but there are pieces. Pieces of the emotions. Pieces of my story. And it’s rough around the edges. I don’t know why I’m posting it. It was mostly for me… but maybe it’ll help someone. I don’t know. 

You groaned, gripping the plastic fork they were kind enough to give you in your hand as you pushed food around the paper plate.

“No glass dishware,” Your roommate had informed you that morning. “They think we’ll break it and use it to off ourselves.”

They didn’t trust you with anything - even a plastic knife. You attempted to cut the roasted pork they’d slopped on the plate in the kitchen with a spoon, but it hadn’t budged and you weren’t that hungry. Women’s voices floated around you, making jokes about the 15-minute checks staff made to find out your location and activity. One commented on how her room smelled awful after taking a shit and you silently mourned the fact that you’d lost the right to a fully enclosed bathroom. The rooms, instead, each had an individual stall with a slanted door so you couldn’t hang yourself in the dead of night.

Oh, how the mighty had fallen.

“This shit is nasty,” you mumbled, shoving the tray away from you after only a few bites of bland broccoli and a couple of small nibbles at the pineapple that you’d so delicately chosen upon your arrival at three o’clock in the morning. Your reaction to the hospital fare earned you a few chuckles from the other presumedly crazy people that were sitting around your table.

No one said your stay would be fun, but you’d certainly hoped it would be better than this.

Tears filled your eyes as you picked up your lunch tray and drug yourself through the pepto bismol pink halls, shoving it onto the cart with vigor. The nurse glanced your direction, but said nothing as tears silently fell down your cheeks and you walked into your bedroom, plopping onto an uncomfortable hospital mattress.

Images of the night before flooded your head - Olivia holding your hand as a slightly too peppy nurse poked her head in the observation room in the ER and informed you that the psychiatrist on call wasn’t comfortable discharging you. Your cries as you buried your face in your supervisor’s shoulder echoed through the silent room as the sobs began again. Stripping out of your attire had come next, adorning the hospital gown they insisted you wear until your intake assessment had been completed.

You simply didn’t belong here.

It took you several minutes to leave the room. In fact, it wasn’t until you heard mumblings of other women returning to their semi-private abodes after lunch that you forced yourself to your feet and wandered down the hall to the nurse’s station.

“What do you need, hon?” Vicki, your nurse asked quietly. You frowned, making eye contact with her. She was kind - a few years older than you and kind of plump, her hair curly and glasses reminding you of a quiet librarian. She wasn’t the most charming of people, but she was warm and seemed to care about your well being. At least she didn’t sugar coat the reality like your ER nurse had.

You debated answering for a long moment before you finally let the words tumble from your mouth while simultaneously wiping at your tears with your shirt sleeves, “I was wondering if I could make a phone call?”

Her smile was warmer than the sun on the first spring day and you wanted to bask in it for days, but you knew she kept her distance.

“Vicki, I need a hug,” another patient had pleaded this morning.

“I don’t do hugs, but I can give a fist bump.”

As soon as the phone was being handed to you, you were pulled from your reverie. Your hand gripped the hard receiver tightly, as though they would take it from you at a moments’ notice, and you looked up with a gaze of gratitude. You took the cordless receiver and sat down in a chair in the lounge. You frowned at its cardboard-esque feel as you tugged a blanket from the next chair over your lap. You didn’t know who had used it before, but it didn’t seem to matter.

Your fingers quickly dialed the number you knew by heart and you pressed the phone to your ear. It’s cold plastic made you shiver. No one except your boss knew where you were, and you trusted Olivia Benson to keep it quiet. Of all people, she wouldn’t share your sudden need to be locked up with anyone else. At least, you prayed she hadn’t.

One ring turned into two. The shrill sound was making your head hurt. Two turned to three, and three to four before you heard Carmen’s voice on the other end.

“This is the office of ADA Barba, how can I help you?”

You swallowed hard, your voice suddenly captured by the demons that haunted you every day. Your eyes closed as you counted your breaths.

“Hello?”

“Yeah,” you said, voice shaking slightly. “Is Mr. Barba available?”

“May I ask who’s calling?”

You thought Carmen sounded annoyed - and you couldn’t blame her, you were barely speaking and you knew the office had to be buzzing with activity. After all, as of last night when you started to break down, the squad was just minutes away from breaking a child pornography ring that you had been chasing for nearly seven weeks.

“Detective y/l/n,” you muttered.

“Of course,” Carmen answered, her voice softening. Suddenly you wondered what she knew, “He’s been trying to reach you ever since Lieutenant Benson told him you were out with a bad case of the stomach flu. He’ll be glad you called to check-in.”

You forced a tiny smile, realizing that Olivia had kept her promise and her word. Even when you begged her to take you home and she refused, she also promised to protect you as best as she could. That even meant keeping her best friend - and your fiance - out of the loop.

“Mi amor,” Barba sighed, his warm voice embracing you through the receiver of the cold plastic in your hands. “Olivia said you were sick. Can I bring you anything? Soup? Maybe some tea? I’d be happy to stop by the market and get ingredients for chicken and wild rice-”

“Stop,” you cut him off abruptly, voice shaking. You didn’t want to tell him. You didn’t even know if you could. He was the love of your life. No one understood you like he did. Yet, you weren’t sure how to reveal that you had counted out the pills while sitting on the floor of your kitchen, laying them out in perfect groups of four on a paper plate in front of you. You closed your eyes, a shuddering breath escaping as you felt the cool tile beneath your legs and the feel of blue and tan capsules beneath your fingertips. “Just, stop…I don’t need soup.”

Without even hearing words, you could sense his concern. You hated making him worry. You didn’t deserve his worry. You heard the squeak of his desk chair as he stood up and could envision his deliberate footsteps as he moved to the window in his office. You pictured the way his sleeves looked rolled up, defined forearms flexing and even the perfect outline of his backside as pants stretched with each movement. The corners of your lips turned upwards as you imagined his long hands gripping a mug and pouring a fresh cup of coffee. When the silence broke you mourned the image of normalcy that had overtaken you.

“Then what do you need? I can bring movies, maybe even just come read to you tonight?” He offered, clearly searching for solutions to your ailment. “I’ll even stop by the drugstore. Do they make something for an upset stomach?”

You pursed your lips, sighing quietly, “It’s not the stomach flu, Rafi. I’m…” you paused, swallowing hard and closing your eyes. “I’m in the psych unit at Mercy. Affective disorders wing.”

“You’re…” he paused, too. You could hear the befuddlement that laced his quiet thoughts. He needed a moment, and despite a tear trickling down your cheek and fear that he would never look back filling your heart and mind, you gave him his moment. He knew all about your depression and nightmares, the thoughts you fought off of worthlessness and the constant voices telling you life wasn’t worth living. What you hadn’t shared, however, was the fact that you were coming closer to allowing them to swallow you whole day by day.

“Carino, what happened?”

“Can you just come?” You whispered, forcing back the sob that had settled in the back of your throat heavier than snowfall in times square in the middle of December.

You heard him open a desk drawer and smiled sadly. He was truly your knight in shining armor.

“I’ll see you in fifteen,” he replied. You frowned, knowing it was at least a thirty minute jaunt on the subway. “Te adoro.”

“And you,” you breathed, hanging up the receiver with a clap of plastic against plastic ringing in the quiet unit. A shaky breath escaped you as you cried, your harsh sob ringing through the wing with reckless grief for better days. You retreated to the solace of your room, your roommate playing board games with the other prisoners of their minds. At least you could cry in peace.

—

“Y/n,” you heard. Vicki’s voice called out as her hand rapped on the door three times. The light shone through the crack as she stuck her head in.

You rolled over in your bed, tear stained cheeks wiping against the sterile hospital pillow as you sighed. Your desire to end your life had resulted in fifteen minute checks to make sure you hadn’t found a way in the locked up halls of the psychiatric ward, “Still alive, Vicki. See you in fifteen more minutes.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” her voice rang. Somewhere deep in your gut you believed her. She wanted you to make it. She hoped you would get out and live a full, long life filled with joy and contentment amidst the struggles. You weren’t sure you there yet, though. “But I’m not here for your wellness check. You have some visitors.”

“Rafi?” You asked softly.

Her soft smile and slight nod almost had you bounding out of the bed, yet the depths of your depression kept you moving almost in slow motion. The plural of visitors hadn’t been lost on you, though. You wrinkled your brow, wondering who he would have brought with him and terrified of what they knew.

You slipped the sweatshirt they had let you keep with you from the night before on over the scrub top they’d forced you to wear and adjusted the oversized matching bottoms before following her out of the room. Fingers felt the holes in the hood where they had cut out the drawstring so you had one less item to wrap around your neck should you feel the need arise. You were makeup free, your hair in a messy bun perched on top of your head, eyes still red-rimmed and cheeks puffy from the tears you’d shed earlier. Your appearance was anything but beautiful. Yet, the butterflies in your stomach had come alive at the realization that Barba loved you enough to drop everything, even court, to be by your side. You checked the clock on the wall behind the nurse’s station - and he loved you enough to make it in eighteen minutes.

Turning the corner, your eyes captured his green ones. You didn’t fail to notice Olivia’s presence behind him, her soft smile and the bag of your belongings in her hands lost on you, though, as you disappeared into the love he held. His expression was still one of concern, but also of strength. He knew you would make it - and his belief might just be enough to carry you through the storm.

“Thanks, Vicki,” you murmured, stepping away from her to fall into the arms of your love.

You could feel his hold tightening as he wrapped around you, your face buried into his shoulder, inhaling his cologne. His lips pressed onto your hairline and the tears fell again. Shame oozed from every pore on your skin as he whispered soothing words in Spanish, but as it dripped away it was replaced only by the shelter of his safety. Olivia led you to a quiet corner, keeping you both out of the limelight before she disappeared for a bit. You barely noticed her absence, but were grateful she had brought him. To make record time, Barba must have insisted on lights and sirens. At the moment, you didn’t care. It was worth it to be in his embrace.

“What happened?” He whispered.

You shrugged, “I couldn’t do it anymore.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“It was too much and I convinced myself that you deserved better,” you sighed. “Liv called to get me to a crime scene and I didn’t answer. When I hadn’t shown up a couple of hours later, she came to check on me.”

Barba sat you down on a small loveseat and you curled into his frame, head pressed to chest. The beat of his heart comforted you beyond measure, grounding you into the present moment - away from the memories that flooded you.

“She said you tried to refuse treatment,” he whispered, the slightest brokenness shining through his tough facade. “You can’t do that. I need you here, I love you and I want you to be alive with me, breathing and crying and laughing forever.”

You sighed, closing your eyes and gripping his suit jacket, “I don’t know if I can.”

Lips pressed to the top of your head again as his long fingers laced with yours, trying to keep you connected in whatever ways he could, “But I do know it. And when you can’t hold on, I’ll hold on to you.”

“Promise, Rafa? I need you to promise,” you whispered desperately, tilting your head up to look him in the eyes.

Barba smiled softly - the smile that could warm your heart and break down your walls in one single second. He stole a gentle, warm kiss from your lips before nodding deliberately and squeezing your hand tightly.

“Lo prometo, mi amor. I promise.”

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 4x19 “Who Knows”

It’s time for another twin recap of The Fosters, featuring me (not in italics) on general plot and adoption related things and @tarajean621​ (in italics) on Jesus and brain injury representation.

Who Is This?  Oh no one, Callie.  Just Russell, Diamond’s pimp…

What Was This Letter Doing in Your Pocket?  Nothing!  You know, Jesus just was telling Brandon what a good brother he was, so Brandon reciprocated and Jesus thought better of frisking him…  (Also, it’s so horrifying that now, Brandon, Grandma, Mariana and Moms all know about Emma’s abortion, but Jesus still does not…)

Are You Gonna Tell Jesus?/I Think...That’s Our Choice?/I Think So:  I hate that Jesus is being left out of this discussion, but what else is new?

That’s My Department.  What Should I Look For?/I Would Say a Hardwood Tree, Right?/Yeah, Like an Oak or a Walnut: So, I love that this project is a thing.  But I hate that it is still Jesus’s fake senior project.  I am glad that we can still hear that aphasia impacts Jesus’s speech.  (I also noticed his prism glasses in his hand - not being worn despite one of the moms saying that he would have to wear them for a bit longer.  And while some disabled people do not need or use their glasses/braces/crutches/canes/wheelchairs 24/7, it seems that in this episode, the glasses and cane are nothing but a visual reminder for the audience.  They exist as little more than set dressing.)

Also, we get to see how Gabe interacts with Jesus post-injury for the first time.  And while Jesus stumbling over words seems to make Gabe momentarily uncomfortable, he is able to keep the conversation going and not make it a huge deal.

Isabella, This Is Gabe/You’ve Never Met Her?  How heartbreaking, seeing Jesus and Mariana’s reaction to Ana and Gabe with Isabella.  And hearing Ana talk about dropping her off at daycare when the twins know how they were treated by her as babies?  It’s all in their eyes as they look at each other.  Mariana can’t even hang around after that intro.

Have You Gotten Any Help From a Doctor?/They Put You on Pills...Screw You Up More/Yeah, I See That:  Totally a valid choice, Gabe.  Not ideal for Jesus to hear, though.

Makeunder:  Callie is not having these people tell her what to do with her hair, her body, her face.

If They Find Out How You Got That Toothbrush/I Found It In His Garbage Bin on the Street:  That’s kind of like saying you broke into his house, but different, Callie...

Does It Ever Make You Feel Bad?  Seeing Ana With Isabella?  How Good of a Mom She is to Her?/No, I Don’t Think About It:  I’m so glad that Mariana feels like she can talk to Jesus about these feelings, and contrary to what Jesus says here, his face tells a whole different story.  It has since they saw Gabe, Ana and Isabella together...seems like, maybe he can’t think about it, or it will hurt too much.

Do You Remember Ana Leaving Us Alone in Our Crib When We Were Babies?  For a Whole Day or More?/Yeah...I Had a Dream About It.  We Were in Our Crib and You Were Crying.  I Was Trying to Take Care of You:  How devastating.  As much as this is so horrible for both of them I am so glad they have each other to talk to about it with.  That they believe each other.  They know what happened because they both remember it.  

She Never Should Have Had Us/Is That What You Would Have Done?  If You Were Gabe - Would You Tell Ana to Get An Abortion?/No.  I Would’ve Been a Dad: It struck me last night how Noah’s Jesus really is a completely different character than the first Jesus.  Because in season one, he was all about getting that morning after pill for Lexi.  Maybe that’s because now the writers can portray Jesus the way they always intended to.  I’m not really sure.  But I do really find this statement by Jesus in this scene to fit with the way he is now.  Very tender, quiet, and driven to do what’s right.  Especially after having that conversation with Gabe in season 3 about how Gabe did tell Ana to abort the twins when she was pregnant, and how terribly that sat with Jesus.

So, We Let Her Off The Hook?/They Are Not Us and It Does Us No Good to Get Mad at Them:  This is such a twin thing.  Mariana is so upset at Ana abandoning them (as she should be.  They deserved to be taken care of.)  And Jesus is on the other end of the spectrum where it seems he’s trying to put distance between himself and that time because he knows it can’t be changed.

Twins do tend to try to balance each other out, I’ve found.

Nobody Ever Gave Me Nothin’ for It.  Now I Got the Power:  This reminds me of Jack in season 3, telling Jude and Callie that he had the power after those boys broke his arm.  :(  It seems like Diamond almost HAS to rationalize this as being okay, because it likely feels like her only option.  

It Really Wasn’t His Choice/True.  But We’re Adopted, So Maybe You Could Have Considered That:  I adored this conversation between Emma and Mariana.  I love the honesty.  How Mariana didn’t hesitate to tell Emma how Jesus felt about it but also acknowledged that it wasn’t his choice.  It also felt really accurate that she would talk about how she and Jesus are adopted and how that’s also a valid option.

You Sure You Should Be Lifting Stuff?/Yeah, I’m Fine.  It’s Good for Me to Move Around:  The thing about brain injuries and disability in general is that you’re always contending with your limitations.  And those limitations can shift and change day to day, depending on any number of things.  With the visual disturbance plotline pretty much gone, it follows that Jesus probably does feel markedly better than he has.    

What Are We Doing?/We’re Moving My Stuff In/Why?/Should I Call Your Mom?  And this is why it is not advised to go off medication without a doctor’s knowledge and supervision.  Yes, Gabe, please do call Lena.  (Also, notice Jesus’s speech being impacted by not feeling well.) 

I Can’t Have Sex When I Take My Meds/Well Maybe That’s Okay?  For Now?  Until You Get Off Them?  To recap: Felbamate is a last-resort anti-convulsant with dangerous side effects.  Impotence is not one of said side effects.  Also?  I cannot find any research that supports the arbitrary 5-years-on-anti-convulsants thing.   

My House Could Use Some Pretty Flowers:  Callie, it’s Russell!  Take the girls and run away!

I Folded Your Laundry for You...You’re Welcome?  Why are you doing chores while Jude is sitting on his butt playing video games, Mariana?

They’re Trying to Turn Anchor Beach Into a Private School!...You Can Still Plead the Fifth:  Hahaha!  I love how Jude came in and side-eyed Mariana for instantly telling Mama about Anchor Beach.  (Good call, by the way, Mari, Mama needs to know.)

I Think Diamond Took Something Out of the Trash.  There Was This Guy Hanging Around and I Think He Left Something for Her:  Ooh, I still love seeing Daphne in charge but Callie snooping around makes me nervous - her investigating always leads to so much terribleness…

Call Me on It and Delete the History...Then Put It Back...and Wipe Your Fingerprints Off Of It:  I know it’s not supposed to be funny but I love Daphne like buffing the phone with her shirt.  

After Everything Ana Put You and Jesus Through!/At Least She Didn’t Get Rid Of Us!  God, twist the knife a little more, Brandon!  You can’t bring up how badly Mariana and Jesus were neglected as babies as justification for Emma’s abortion.  How do you think that makes Mariana feel?  Oh right, you’re not thinking of HER feelings…

Jesus, Can I Talk to You for a Sec?  When Did You Stop Taking Your Anti-Seizure Meds?  I’m frustrated that this conversation is off-page.  

If They Want Me to Say That I Think Kyle Killed Martha Johnson, I Need to See Him Again:  Sounds totally legit that Moms will let Callie and Brandon drive eight and a half hours to a high security prison.  So your 17 year old daughter can visit an inmate there.  Sounds totally safe.

We Are Going to Allow You to Drive With Callie to Folsom:  We, a police officer and an assistant principal are allowing our 18 year old son and 17 year old daughter to DRIVE TO FOLSOM PRISON TOGETHER.  What is happening right now?

Mouth Open.  Tongue Up/How Long Are You Gonna Make Me Do This?/Until I Can Trust That You’ll Take Them...So Probably Forever:  Okay, so apparently the off-page conversation did not go so well.  While I understand the importance of taking the medication until a doctor’s appointment can be scheduled, forcing your kid to take it “forever” despite the (fake) side effects?  Not okay.  Understandable if there are no other options, but it appears that Lena is not interested in looking into those options.  

And I can’t help but entertain the thought that perhaps in Lena’s mind, the impotence might be a blessing in disguise - a way of controlling Jesus?  Which is such a gross thought, but the truth is that many disabled girls and women undergo forced sterilization as a matter of convenience even today.  Is keeping Jesus on Felbamate despite his objections due to a convenient “side effect” so different? 

Your Brain’s Not Right/MY Brain’s Not Right?!  You’re So Depressed, You Got Evicted!  Maybe YOU Should Take YOUR Meds!  Oh my.  I know this seems most unfair, Jesus.  And it is.  

I Wanna Be Here For You, Jesus/No You Don’t.  You Almost Left Town Without Telling Us.  The Only Reason You’re Here Right Now Is So You Have a Place to Live:  Ouch, but Jesus speaks the truth.

I Had a Job Lined Up in Tahoe/Maybe You Should Go!  I’m Sure It’s Still Available!/We’ll Talk About This Later: I have to say, as far as adults go, Gabe is actually doing quite well avoiding the whole ableism thing so far.  Just the fact that he does not dismiss Jesus’s anger as a “TBI outburst,” and lets him know that they will talk later is huge in light of how the family has been treating him in past episodes.  

I Don’t Wanna Live Like This/Don’t Say That.  You’re Gonna Get Better:  There definitely is such an adjustment to life with a brain injury - and depression is often a part of that.  And while I appreciate that Brandon is trying to make Jesus feel better, telling him that he will “get better” is harmful in the long run.  While Jesus will definitely make improvements, he will not return to who he was pre-injury.  The promise of this is false hope.  (I mean, this is TV, so a “miraculous recovery” might still happen.  But in real life?  Please avoid the phrase.  “You’re going to improve, but I respect your limitations.” holds the same sentiment.  And it’s okay to be different post-injury.  Life happens.  We evolve.

You Can Talk to Your Doctor.  They Can Put You on Something Else.  Or Give You Something/What?  Like Viagra?  Like I’m an Old Man?  Why is Brandon, of all people, having this conversation with Jesus?  This is a conversation Lena should have had with him when she found out he was not taking his medication.

What About Emma?  Everybody Knows She’s Not With Me For My Mind.  Our Thing, It’s Physical/Jesus, There’s Nothing Wrong With Your Mind.  You Have a TBI - But You’re Funny, Smart and a Really Good Guy.  She Has to Love You for All That:  Brandon, you and I have a love-hate relationship.  And lets be real, it’s mostly hate.  But this?  This was the perfect thing to say.  “There is nothing wrong with your mind.  You have a TBI.”  Please get this engraved on a plaque and place it in the kitchen for all to see.

Are You Sure I’m Gonna Get Better?/I’m Sure:  :/

I Wonder Where This Money Is Coming From?/Is That...That’s Craig Stratos.  Nick’s Dad.  Why Would He Wanna Bankroll This?  Do You Think This Is Personal?  Well, that was unexpected…

Oh My God, Kyle.  Did You Kill Her/What If I Did?  This scene.  Adam Irigoyen’s complete transformation as Kyle is just amazing and chilling.

You Used Me/YOU Used ME/For What?/For a Cause.  To Feel Good About Yourself:  I love this so much.  I love that Kyle is knowledgeable.  I love that he knew, from the start, that he was also being used.  I hate that feeling.  While I obviously don’t condone murder or theft, I do like the reveal that Kyle was aware the entire time of the bigger picture.  That he isn’t just the sweet ‘special needs’ boy that Callie perceived him to be.  He is fully aware and he always has been.  This scene was easily my favorite part of the episode.  What amazing acting.  What a stunning reveal.

I Never Did That/Jesus Remembers, Too/I Don’t See How You Could Remember Something Like That When You Were Babies/We Remember Because We Were Scared and Hungry and Our Diapers Were Full.  We Were Covered In Our Own--:  And runner up for my favorite scene is this one with Mariana and Ana in therapy.  I was just thinking how much I hoped we would see some kind of through-line with this.  I’ve  been wondering how Mari’s coping with her PTSD.

The tweets in Mariana’s secret Twitter account were revealing in that sense because we get to see that she’s still scared.  She’s still dealing with things, and obviously she’s been trying to process this memory of her and Jesus as babies for several weeks.  

I like that this kind of thing was included because it is fairly common from what I’ve read that kids who’ve known severe abuse or neglect do have memories from the time they’re babies of their experiences of those things.  And they’re doubly difficult to process because as babies, Jesus and Mariana were preverbal.  They didn’t have the vocabulary to articulate how they were feeling.  Which is why it’s so good that Mariana’s able to start working it through now, and figuring out how it did make her feel.

Is It Possible, Ana, That You Don’t Remember If You Were Using Drugs?/I Didn’t Come Here to Be Judged or Ambushed by Memories That She Dreamt Up.  I’m Not Doing This:  I also really loved the realism in Ana’s reaction.  It feels so viscerally true that she, as a mom, and especially with a baby now, to be super defensive and dismissive of the idea that she did neglect Mariana and Jesus so thoroughly.  And it is complicated by the fact that she was using at the time so she very well might have zero memories of things she did and/or times that she left them alone.  

I feel so much for Mariana, though, and I do hope that her therapist helps her process what happened in the office, so that she can start to realize Ana’s reaction is about Ana and it doesn’t make Mariana and Jesus’s memories of what happened any less valid.

Before Your Daughter Gets on the Stand With That Story.  Check That Out:  Yeah, Stef, Callie’s story of getting Doug Harvey’s toothbrush out of the trash isn’t really gonna stand up in court when Gray has video evidence of her in his house taking it from there.

We Can Still Do Stuff, You Know, For You?/Hell Yeah:  I’m glad Jesus and Emma are still working on their relationship and trying to figure things out.  (Check out the cane standing next to his bed.)

Did You Hear About Anchor Beach?  There’s a Rumor They’re Turning It Into a Private School/ Where Did You Hear That?/Some Anonymous Twitter Account.  I have a hard time believing that Emma would not check out the anonymous Twitter before sharing it with Jesus.  The very first thing Jesus did was check out the handle and the tweets.  And now, he knows.  Finally.  Oh crap.

For more: Fosters Recaps

[starsfadingbutilingeron]

Chapter Ten: Wave Goodbye

Fic Title: Secondhand Hero Author: @starsfadingbutilingeron Summary: What if All Might had been able to save Shimura Tenko? Read this free fic to find out the results!! Rating: General Audiences Read On AO3: x ----

Tenko woke up to the blinding buzz of fluorescent lights scorching his eyelids and, past the oxygen pressing into his nostrils from the cannula taped to his upper lip, he could smell the sickeningly sterile stench of the hospital. Fluttering his eyelashes against his cheeks, Tenko slowly lifted his eyes open and sighed at the confirmation of his already present suspicions; he was indeed lying in a hospital bed.

Glancing down to his hands, Tenko nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw all of his fingers were uncovered. Scrambling upwards in a panic, the shooting pain of his half-shattered ribcage reminded him that his quirk was no longer a going concern. Wincing, Tenko bit the inside of his cheek to keep the tears down; crying would just exacerbate that pain in his stomach and gunk up his breathing more than it already was. Easing himself back down flat against the mattress, he lifted his eyes to the ceiling and tried to squint his vision into focus. When that was no use, Tenko sighed with resignation as he accepted that he’d have to wait for a new pair of glasses before he could see clearly again.

“Look who finally decided to wake up,” a familiar voice said. Tenko craned his neck a little to see Naomasa sitting in the far corner of the hospital room; he smiled when Tenko looked over at him, but Tenko could tell just from his voice that the police officer was in the midst of fighting a pervasive exhaustion that was slowly but surely gaining the upperhand.

“Naomasa...How l-” Tenko cut off, his throat feeling as dry as sandpaper. Swallowing a few times, Tenko cleared his throat and tried again. “How long have I been out?”

“Oh, not that long,” Naomasa waved a hand, standing up and pacing around the room.

“Naomasa, please, don’t bullshit me,” Tenko closed his eyes, pressing a hand against them to block out the light burning through his eyelids.

“Okay, okay,” Naomasa sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s been a couple days.”

“A couple?” Tenko raised an eyebrow.

“Yep,” Naomasa nodded.

“What quantifies ‘a couple’?” Tenko asked.

“A few…” Naomasa tried, but sighed in defeat when Tenko gave him a stare like he’d smack him upside if the police officer had been close enough to reach without jostling his injuries. “Alright, I cave. It’s been about five days.”

“Five,” Tenko breathed out slowly, blinking down at the covers. “Damn, I must’ve been in rough shape.”

“You were,” Naomasa said. “Broken ribs, concussion, internal bleeding; not to mention the stitches on your stomach were ripped open and the wound got infected as a result,” Naomasa shook his head, looking out the window as his expression turned grim. “Plus, we don’t exactly know the precise aftershocks of someone getting their quirk taken by All for One...But, uh, Aizawa and Midoriya told me you were kind of out of it after your quirk got taken. ‘Basically catatonic’ I believe were Aizawa’s exact words.”

“I don’t really remember,” Tenko said, holding his hands up so he could examine his bare fingertips. “I remember All for One pressing his hand to my face, a feeling like my brain cut to a busy signal, and then nothing until Aizawa grabbed the wound on my side.”

“You passed out while waiting for the paramedics,” Naomasa added.

“Did I?” Tenko asked, he had no memory of feeling like he would pass out. But he also had no memory of the paramedics ever arriving to the crime scene either; so, he just shrugged and took it in stride. “Guess I did.”

“Yeah, I thought Toshinori was going to have a conniption,” Naomasa continued. “The hospital staff were getting kind of pissed at him; he wouldn’t sit still long enough for them to treat him, and he kept trying to break into the operating room while you were in surgery.”

“Is he okay?” Tenko asked, feeling his heart flutter with concern. “What about Izuku, is he alright?”

“Fine. They’re both fine,” Naomasa held up a hand to stop Tenko’s downward spiral into a worst-case scenario. “Midoriya was already injured from the Hosu Incident, but he didn’t sustain any more serious injuries. Just a few scrapes and bruises. Toshinori, well...he...Well, he…”

“Well, he what?” Tenko asked, eyebrows knitting together.

“He had taken some damage, I’m not gonna lie,” Naomasa said. “I mean, no more banged up than usual when he goes on a reckless rampage; but, uh, that finishing blow he landed on All for One kind of really took it out of him.”

Tenko felt his heart drop, realizing what Naomasa was trying to say. “He can’t use One for All anymore, can he?”

Naomasa steeled himself and glanced around in a vain attempt to cushion a blow that had already struck; then, his frame dropping with a sigh, shook his head solemnly and looked down to the tile floor.

Tenko sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the worn out pillows on his hospital bed. “That idiot,” he muttered, peeking one eye open and looking around. “So, uh, where is he anyway?”

“I finally convinced him to go home for a hot second,” Naomasa said, sitting back down. “Promised I’d call if you woke up.”

“Oh, so he’s talking to you is he?” Tenko asked. “Would’ve figured he’d be pissed at you for keeping my little covert mission from him.”

“He’s understands. He’s still upset, but he understands,” Naomasa nodded. “Once I explained to him why we couldn’t involve him, he calmed down. But, uh...I think he still wants to hear it from you before he gets over anything.”

Tenko nodded, he’d expected as much. “So, is babysitting my comatose ass for Toshinori the only reason you’re here?”

“Eh, it’s the main one,” Naomasa shrugged. “That and I’ve been charged with fending off any and all unwelcome well-wishers who might show up.”

“Well-wishers?” Tenko looked around, noticing for the first time that the room was jammed with balloons and gift baskets. He felt his face go slack, his chest caving with a mixture of surprise and confusion as he looked over the array of gifts. “Who the hell is coming around to wish me well?”

“Lots of people,” Naomasa said, tone a touch surprised. Standing up, he looked at a few of the scrawled out messages left on the tags of the gifts. “Fans...other pros...Izuku’s mother dropped by with practically a whole breakfast buffet a couple days ago,” he picked one basket with a balloon around the handle up, laughing in shocked amusement. “Looks like you even got one from Chisaki here.”

“The yakuza boss!?” Tenko’s eyes flew wide as he looked at the basket in Naomasa’s hands. “What the hell is the leader of the Eight Precepts of Death doing sending me a fruit basket and a fucking mylar balloon for?”

“Maybe he’s glad you got All for One out of the way for him? ‘Thanks for taking down my biggest competition, have a pear.’?’” Naomasa suggested, setting the basket back down with a laugh.

“Maybe he’s just happy that I won’t be able to do hero work anymore,” Tenko muttered.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Naomasa murmured. “You’ve still got a ton of capabilities that aren’t reliant on quirk usage. It’ll take some adjustment, but I wouldn’t rule out being a hero entirely yet.”

“Whatever you say,” Tenko sighed, fingers knotting anxiously in the bed sheets. “So, All for One’s locked away then?”

“Oh yeah, he’s locked up for good,” Naomasa nodded, turning a proud smile Tenko’s way. “And it’s all thanks to you.”

“Don’t start on that sappy shit with me,” Tenko said, draping the back of his arm across his eyes. “All I did was make a big mess. It was Toshinori and the other pros who cleaned it up.”

“Is that really what you think?” Naomasa asked.

“Yes, absolutely,” Tenko nodded, pulling his arm away and staring up at the ceiling. “All for One knew. He had to have known I was tricking him. Maybe he didn’t know at first but I just...I don’t know. There’s no way he bought I had turned to the dark side or whatever. I’m not a very convincing villain.”

“All for One seemed convinced,” Naomasa said. “He didn’t call you out on it until the very end, even put you in a position of power for a time. He left you alone with Izuku, he must have had some semblance of trust in you.”

“He trusted that I would flip the script,” Tenko said. “He was waiting for that. The way he would keep pushing me to do more and more heinous things...it was like he was playing a game. Seeing how much he could make me squirm before I finally blew my own plan. Thankfully, that asshole was so wrapped up in trying to use me as a tool that he didn’t realize I was just as good as him at spying when I was being manipulated,” Tenko fiddled a lock of his hair between his fingers before flicking it out of the way and smacking his lips together in resignation. “But it hardly matters. In the end, I blew up my own plan just like he wanted so...whatever.”

“From what you told me in our meetings, you only seemed to break character when someone else was in immediate danger. Vice versa, the times where you gave your most convincing villain performances were times when you were trying to protect someone else,” Naomasa said. “You’re a pro hero, Tenko, it’s hardly surprising that you couldn’t bring yourself to allow civilians to get hurt.”

“Yeah,” Tenko nodded, sounding utterly unconvinced of the validity of his own actions. Huffing a tired sigh, Tenko averted his gaze to the the steadily beeping heart monitor at his bedside.

As he watched the lines thrum up and down, Tenko felt his eyelids begin to droop of their own accord; stifling a yawn and covering up with a tired laugh, he looked over to Naomasa and grinned.

“How is it I was out for five days and I’m tired again fifteen minutes after waking up?” Tenko asked.

“Recovery Girl’s been giving you treatments while you were out. It seemed a little counterintuitive to how her quirk works, but she seemed so determined that all of us were afraid to stop her,” Naomasa smiled, standing up and gathering his jacket from the back of his chair. “But I guess she’s always had a soft spot for you. A lot of the pros do.”

“Don’t I know it,” Tenko rolled his eyes, but couldn’t suppress a touched smile.

“Alright buddy, well, I’m gonna let you rest,” Naomasa said, reaching out to ruffle Tenko’s hair before crossing to the door. “I’ll send the nurse in for you, okay?”

“Okay,” Tenko nodded. “Thanks, Naomasa.”

“No problem,” Naomasa smiled, then disappeared out into the hallway.

The nurse came in shortly thereafter, checking Tenko’s vitals and throwing a lot of medical terms around that made no sense to him whatsoever. Basically, the only pieces of information that he caught were that he’d be in the hospital for a while longer and that she was going to give him some more pain medicine that would probably put him to sleep for a few more hours.

So, he slept. His mind was still semi tapped into what was going on around him, as he always seemed to be whenever he had to sleep in a hospital for any length of time; but it was all muffled out and rounded at the edges, like pressing a pillow over a blaring radio.

Tenko was unsure of what time it was when he finally started to wake up again, but there was still daylight streaming through the hazy clouds outside his window so he figured it was sometime in the late afternoon. As he came back into the moment, Tenko became aware of familiar voices speaking from somewhere down the hallway. Naomasa was one and then, unmistakable for all the voices in the world, Toshinori was the other; his voice registered as a poorly contained frantic drawl, pretending to be calm in the face of what had to be one of his worst fears.

He was happy to hear his guardian’s voice again, but he just wasn’t ready to face Toshinori after everything that had happened. Pressing his eyes shut and giving an irritated grumble at the persistent hum of the fluorescent lights overhead, Tenko tried to let his pain medication take him back into a dreamless sleep. But as soon as he was starting to drift, there was a soft shuffling noise by the door followed by a small, uncertain whine.

“Just come in,” Tenko sighed to whomever was waiting outside his door. Peeling his eyes open, Tenko perked up with surprise and struggled into a sitting position. “Hey, kid,” he said softly as Izuku hesitantly stepped into the room.

“H-Hi, Mister Shimura,” Izuku gave a small, awkward nod and offered Tenko a watery smile.

“How about you just go ahead and call me Tenko, alright?” Tenko said, waving Izuku to come and sit down in the chair next to his bed.

“Okay,” Izuku said quietly, settling gingerly into the chair and pulling it as close to Tenko’s bedside as he could get it.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Tenko smiled after Izuku had fallen silent.

“I-” Izuku faltered, blowing air into one of his cheeks and letting it gush out in the form of a sigh. “All Might called me a few hours ago when he got the news you woke up. When we got here you were asleep again so I’ve been waiting since then. I wanted to thank you for saving my life.”

“Please,” Tenko held up a hand, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose with the other. “I appreciate you waiting for me to wake up and all like this, but you don’t gotta thank me, kid.”

“But you’re-”

“-the reason you were even in that situation to begin with,” Tenko cut Izuku off, letting his hands fall tiredly to his sides as he turned to look Izuku in the eyes. “I was just trying to correct my mistakes. I should have never put you in danger like that. You should thank yourself. If you hadn’t sent your location back in Hosu, I wouldn’t have even thought of that when you were in trouble. So, don’t thank me, okay? I don’t deserve it.”

“But it wasn’t your fault that I went searching for you,” Izuku said. “It wasn’t your fault the League of Villains took me or that All for One tried to take my quirk. You don’t control other people’s choices anymore than they control yours.”

Tenko stared down at the drab print of his hospital gown, not really knowing a way to flip the blame back around on himself. Reaching up to scratch at his neck, Tenko worried his bottom lip between his teeth and kept silent. Izuku saw him trying to figure a way to make himself the bad guy in the situation and, setting his jaw, let go of a deep breath and cleared his throat to speak.

“I’m sorry you lost your quirk,” Izuku said.

Tenko whipped his head up and looked at the young boy at his bedside. “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But you lost it protecting me,” Izuku said.

“I lost it because All for One is an overpowered asshole,” Tenko snarled. “You didn’t force his hand and make him take my quirk. It has nothing to do with y-”

Tenko stopped short when he saw the smug smile creeping onto Izuku’s face. Puzzling over the seemingly out of place grin, it took Tenko a moment to figure out why Izuku looked so triumphant.

“Agh!” Tenko rolled his eyes, leaning his head back against the pillow and shutting his eyes. After a moment, he huffed a laugh through his nose, turning his head a little bit away from Izuku before nodding in defeat. “Okay, okay, I get it. Jeez, you had to make me a hypocrite on top of everything else?”  

“If that’s what it takes,” Izuku laughed, flashing Tenko one of his biggest smiles.

“Ah, get out of here, you little punk,” Tenko said, reaching a tired arm out to rub Izuku’s green floof of hair.

“Alright, get well soon,” Izuku smiled, standing up and crossing to the exit. Resting his hand against the doorframe, Izuku turned to look at Tenko with a sudden serious expression. “Mister Shi - Ah, I mean - Tenko?”

“Yeah, kid?” Tenko asked, lifting a tired gaze to meet Izuku’s.

“You’re still a hero, you know,” Izuku said, shuffling his feet anxiously against the linoleum tile. “Even without a quirk, you’re still a hero.”

Tenko smiled, letting his eyes fall shut slowly. “Thanks,” he murmured.

Izuku’s footsteps slowly disappeared down the hallway, and Tenko let the carefully sculpted smile he’d kept on for Izuku fall away. Heaving a sigh that made his still-healing stab wound twinge, Tenko turned his head towards the window. The weather outside was overcast on the verge of raining, and Tenko regretted that he had to spend the day cooped up in a place that reeked of thinly masked pestilence instead of at home in his own bed.

Another set of shuffling feet in the doorway pulled Tenko from his downward spiral of self-loathing, and he snapped his head towards who was coming into the room. Tenko’s spine froze in sudden anxiety when he saw Toshinori step into view, leaning one bandaged arm against the doorframe and leveling Tenko with an unreadable expression.

Tenko could feel his heart pounding in his head, and he couldn’t tell how much of it was nerves and how much of it was due to his concussion; but it hardly mattered, because either way it made him feel shitty and like he was about to pass out as he met Toshinori’s hollow eyes.

Toshinori just stared back, expression blank as a substitute teacher’s lesson plan, before taking a deep breath and said, “You’ve got one angry cat waiting for you at home, young man.”

Tenko wrinkled his nose as he watched Toshinori cross to and sit down in the chair where Izuku had just been. “That all you came to tell me?” he asked as Toshinori settled into his seat.

“Tenko, when have I ever let a conversation drop after one sentence?” Toshinori turned a smile towards his son.

Tenko gave Toshinori a suspicious look, lifting his chin and squinting to pull Toshinori’s face into better focus. “You’re not mad?”

Toshinori sighed, reaching forward and taking one of Tenko’s hands in both of his. “I am too relieved to even think of being mad,” he said, stroking the back of Tenko’s hand soothingly. “I’d be even more relieved if you weren’t in a hospital bed, but there’s not much I can do about that now.”

“Eh,” Tenko shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”

“Yeah, I g-” Toshinori paused, turning a critical stare at Tenko. “Wait- You’ve had worse injuries than this!?”

Tenko smirked and averted his gaze to the wall. “I don’t tell you everything.”

“Clearly,” Toshinori said, absentmindedly pressing five of his fingertips to Tenko’s and watching as absolutely nothing happened as a result.

Tenko pressed his mouth into a thin line as he looked down to where Toshinori was holding his hand and felt a hollow pang of guilt creep into his chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me what you were doing?” Toshinori asked softly, eyes still locked on Tenko’s hand.

Tenko blew a cluster of shaggy hair out of his eyes, wondering vaguely what the paramedics had done with his hairclip.

“Because as soon as you knew All for One was involved, you would have wanted to handle the entire situation yourself. We all know how that would have gone,” Tenko said, looking over to make eye contact with Toshinori. “And you sure as hell wouldn’t have let me anywhere near that guy, even if you did accept help.”

“So, you decided it was better for you to handle the entire situation by yourself instead?” Toshinori asked.

Tenko held up a finger to halt Toshinori from saying anything else. “I was in close consultation with the police from the beginning. Hardly a one-man mission, I’d say,” he countered. “Besides, you forget the crucial detail that I was the person All for One targeted first. I didn’t go looking for him.”

Toshinori shook his head. “That doesn’t mean you had to put yourself in danger like that.”

“But as long as I was around, All for One was gonna try and use me whether I let him or not,” Tenko said. “That’s what his entire gamble was. Using me, using Izuku...all as a means to attack you personally,” Tenko gave a shrug, reaching up to scratch behind his ear. “I figured, playing along to set things up my way was better than getting forced into a situation out of my control. Even if All for One did see right through me, he seemed more concerned with playing his little mind games than with the fact there was a double agent in his ranks.”

Toshinori looked silently up at Tenko’s bruised face, and Tenko shifted uncomfortably as his guardian’s gaze turned sad at the sight of his injuries.

“And you thinking I had ‘turned villain’ or whatever made it easier for you to take down All for One,” Tenko added.

Toshinori’s brow wrinkled. “How?”

Tenko smiled a little, a flicker of snark sneaking its way back onto his bruised face. “Do you really think All for One would have put himself out in the open just because you were looking for him?” he raised his eyebrows. “He had to have a reason to willingly put himself out in the open with his body like that. And what better reason for a self-centered asshole like him to come out in public than to brag to All Might that his kid had joined the villains’ side?”

Toshinori pressed against the frown that had settled onto his face. He made a disgruntled noise and sat back with his arms crossed as he tried to think up a strong counterargument, falling even more perplexed when he came up with nothing.

“Also,” Tenko spoke up, his voice lilting with a poorly contained bubble of laughter. “It kind of taught you a little lesson about how it feels to have information kept from you,” he paused as he saw the outrage register on Toshinori’s already befuddled face. Tenko smiled and tilted his head forward a bit, giving his guardian an amused smirk before adding, “But that was more of just a coincidental bonus,” with an impish shrug.

“Alright, alright,” Toshinori finally broke into a smile, shaking his head and looking down at his feet as they sat curled against the linoleum floor. “I’ll admit, it was a pretty good plan.”

“Yeah, well,” Tenko sighed, laying his head back against the pillows and closing his eyes. “It didn’t really matter in the end, I suppose. Once Izuku got taken, all of my plans just got shoved to the wayside. Initially, I was just using him to get the rumor mill spinning that I had switched sides; but I never meant for him to get so involved,” he slit one eye open and smiled at Toshinori. “That successor of yours is quite the meddler. Reminds me of another pro hero I know.”

“Haa…Yeah, he’s pretty...he’s pretty reckless, huh?” Toshinori reached up to cup the back of his neck. “He could use someone who knows a thing or two about thinking through the details. Know anyone like that?”

Tenko laughed, shaking his head as he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. “Certainly not the dumbass who couldn’t even hold onto his quirk when his plan fell down in shambles.”

“Hey,” Toshinori said, voice soft as he reached forward to take Tenko’s hand again. Holding the young, healthy hand in his own frail, weathered ones; Toshinori gave Tenko’s palm a gentle squeeze until the young hero met his gaze. “I couldn’t hold onto my quirk either. So, I guess that makes me a dumbass too, huh?”

Tenko laughed, his voice catching on the cluster of sobs in his throat that were about to break.

“Well, I already knew that,” Tenko smiled, but looked away when the edges of his mouth downturned into a wobbling frown that he knew was about to give way to crying.

Toshinori let out a deep sigh, shoulders slumping as he caught how much Tenko was covering up that the loss of his quirk had affected him. He didn’t want to push his luck and risk making Tenko more upset; but he knew from experience if he didn’t speak up now, it would take him months to bring the topic up again.

“You thought up that plan on the spot,” Toshinori realized as he looked down at the little spattering of freckles across Tenko’s fingers. “You had to. There’s no way All for One would’ve let you walk out of there that first night he contacted you unless you’d agreed to something that would benefit him.”

“Yeah, I did,” Tenko nodded, closing his eyes as a single streak of tears started pulsing down his cheek. “That’s probably why it failed,” his voice cracked, and he let out a whispered curse as the sobs started to grow louder and messier.

“Hey. Hey, look at me,” Toshinori said, taking one hand off of Tenko’s to reach up and place it against his son’s face, tilting Tenko’s chin upwards until he looked at him. “Your plan did not fail, you hear me? It did not fail. All for One is in prison because of what you did,” he pushed his hand through Tenko’s hair, smoothing it out of his eyes as the young hero full on sobbed in front of him. “Everything you said before is true. There’s no way he would’ve come out of hiding just because I stood in the street and drew my duelling pistol. You did the best with a situation that was already out of your control, and moved the variables you could so they’d turn in your favor.”

Tenko took an unsteady, snuffling breath and blinked back tears to get a better look at Toshinori’s face. “But I lost my quirk,” he whimpered, before breaking into another bout of sobbing.

“I know,” Toshinori said, sinking back into his chair and replacing his other hand to rest over the back of Tenko’s palm. “But you saved Midoriya, didn’t you?”

Tenko paused in the middle of wiping his face off on his forearm to stare at Toshinori. He blinked once, taken aback, then shook his head and continued crying. “You and Aizawa did. If it hadn’t been for me, Izuku wouldn’t have even-”

“-stood a chance against All for One,” Toshinori cut Tenko off. Sighing again, Toshinori looked down and grimaced as a thought occurred to him. “Just like he would have targeted you whether or not you agreed to be used as a pawn, he would’ve used Izuku just the same. And without you there, buying him time... protecting him...getting him out, I don’t think he would’ve made it.”

“You would’ve found him eventually,” Tenko sighed, his sobbing had settled enough that he could speak normally again; he shifted his gaze to look out the window at the drizzly skies.

“You think so?” Toshinori challenged.

“Yeah, I do,” Tenko muttered.

“Okay, then answer a question for me,” Toshinori straightened up in his seat, fixing Tenko with a stern gaze. “How would I have known where to go?”

Tenko blinked a few times, confused, before turning his head from the window and furrowing his brow up at Toshinori. “Huh?”

“It was your text that told the pros and police where to go,” Toshinori said. “You received a knock on the head and it’s been a long couple days, but still...that detail is hardly worth forgetting.”

“It’s all thanks to Izuku I even thought of that,” Tenko said. “He did it first when he was confronted by Stain.”

“Nevertheless,” Toshinori set his jaw, determined to bring Tenko’s negative train of thought to a screeching halt. “Without you, no one would have been there to implement it. Izuku would have been stuck there all alone for God knows how long. Without you, none of the rest of us would have been able to do anything heroic,” Toshinori paused, taking in how Tenko stared quietly at the bedsheets before clearing his throat to continue speaking.

“And uh, without you…” Toshinori hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck and glancing to the side. “I, uh, wouldn’t have much outside of being the Number One Hero. So, thanks for saving me too, Tenko,” he smiled then, huffing a small laugh through his nose as he heard the beginning patter of rain on the windowpane. “Nana would be proud of you,” he said at last. “I know I am.”

When he finally looked back to his son, Toshinori found Tenko’s eyes full up with tears once again; his quivering lip was caught between his teeth in a desperate attempt to maintain his composure, and his fingers dug tightly into the bedsheets as he struggled not to cry again.

Giving a hoarse laugh, Tenko gave up his unfazed pretense and let the tears he’d been holding in gush down his face. Laughing through this new round of sobs, Tenko reached up and wiped his face off before looking back over to Toshinori.

“I guess if...if someone as impressive as All Might is proud of me…” Tenko said quietly, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he glanced up at Toshinori through tear-soaked lashes. “Then, I must have done something right, huh?”

Toshinori nodded, squeezing Tenko’s hand tightly in both of his. For a moment, the two just sat in contented silence and listened to the world as it continued on its own without them; until an infuriated voice boomed out from down the hallway, growing louder with every clunk of the person’s footsteps.

A nurse’s voice could be heard under the irate overtones of whomever was storming the hallways, pleading with the visitor to stop shouting.

“Sir, please, keep your voice down! This is a hospital-”

“Where are they? Where are they!?” the voice demanded. “I’m gonna kill ‘em!”

Tenko and Toshinori locked eyes, expressions instantly awash with panic as they realized exactly who was storming the hallways.

“Gran Torino...” Toshinori groaned, standing up. “Dammit, I was hoping he wouldn’t show up.”

“Wouldn’t show...Did you even tell him I was in the hospital!?”

“Yes!” Toshinori nodded, then bit his lip and looked to the side. “I just, uh, hadn’t told him you woke up yet.”

“Why the hell not!?” Tenko demanded.

“Because I didn’t want this to happen!”

“He’s gonna kick your ass, I hope you know,” Tenko flicked his eyebrows up as Toshinori inched his way to the door.

“Hey! If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me,” Toshinori pointed a finger at Tenko, his other hand on the door.

He moved to shut the door, but just as Toshinori’s arm began to swing forward, Gran Torino came shooting through the doorway and cracked a kick directly to Toshinori’s jaw before landing at the foot of Tenko’s bed and fixing both of the heroes with an enraged scowl.

“Well, if it isn’t dumb and dumber!” Torino shouted, hands on his hips as he stood perched on the bedrail. “You two should go on the road together and perform circus tricks for tourists, the way you goof around like thoughtless clowns!!”

Tenko spoke up first, struggling to push himself up into a sitting position. “I’m sorry, Gran T-”

“Quit moving, ya damn imbecile! You’re in the hospital for a reason, aren’t ya!?” Gran Torino snapped, shooting Tenko a warning glare until the young hero eased himself back into a laying position.

“Sorry,” Tenko mumbled.

Toshinori stood up from where he’d been knocked to the ground. “You know, I was just in the hospital too,” he said, rubbing his jaw as he moved up to stand by Gran Torino’s side.

“Yeah, yeah, what else is new?” Gran Torino asked. “You already got your earful from me. I’ve been waiting on this kid to wake up for damn near a week just so I could finally talk some sense into him. Not that it’ll do much good, his head’s almost as thick as yours.”

Tenko tried to suppress a smile. He could tell Gran Torino was legitimately angry, and for good reason; but buried underneath all that anger, Tenko could also see how relieved Torino was that he’d finally woken up. It just wasn’t in the retired pro’s nature to gush and cry over his emotions; so, Tenko just sighed and let Gran Torino scoff disapprovingly down at him.

“You know, I expect this behavior from Toshinori,” Gran Torino shook his head. “But what in the hell were you doing risking your life like that, Tenko!? Faking out everyone about being a villain and then challenging All for One head-on? That’s the most stupid, reckless thing I ever heard of! What ever compelled you to do something like that, ya moron!?”

“I don’t know,” Tenko shrugged, relaxed as anything as he turned to look at Toshinori with a grin. “I guess I get it from my father.”

Toshinori stifled a small gasp, his hand moving from his jaw to clutch at his chest instead. Then, a smile began to stretch across his face and tears welled in his eyes as he and his son looked to each other.

“Heh,” Gran Torino gave a gruff laugh, hopping down from the foot of the bed and sitting in one of the chairs in the corner. “I guess you do,” fixing Tenko with a glare, Torino added one last statement before shifting back to take a nap. “You better never do something like that again.”  

“Yeah,” Toshinori sat back down at Tenko’s bedside; and, unclipping his visitor’s ID from his shirt pocket, reached up and tapped the little rectangle of plastic lightly against the space between Tenko’s eyes. “You’re not invincible, you know.”

Tenko blinked in surprise at first, but then broke into a smile. He and Toshinori laughed for a while, then fell naturally back into a quiet lull. Through it all, Toshinori kept a firm grip on Tenko’s hand; even when he fell asleep facedown at the bottom of the mattress, Toshinori’s scrawny fingers held loosely around Tenko’s. Gran Torino had dozed off in the chair where he sat, now-slumped over and snoring like a water buffalo.

Looking over to the windowpane, Tenko watched as the rain fell heavy against the glass. Somewhere between the patter of the raindrops and the steady rhythm of Gran Torino’s snoring, a strange calm fell over Tenko. And even though he was in a hospital, even though his quirk was gone, and even though the fluorescent lights still hummed incessantly overhead; Tenko found he felt more at peace than he had in a long time.

Things in his life were far from perfect, the pull of bandages around his chest were reminder enough of that; but Tenko also realized as he lay there surrounded by two of the people who cared for him the most in the world, that he didn’t need everything in his life to be perfect in order for him to be happy. He thought back on all of the events of the past few weeks, and how so many people had worried over and rushed to help him. Maybe he hadn’t been in serious danger and maybe even when he was in danger no one could stop All for One from taking his quirk; but Tenko found that the results didn’t matter to him half so much as the effort.

And then what Izuku had been trying to tell him before sparked again in his head. In the end it didn’t matter so much what had gone wrong, but that someone had tried to set things right in the first place. Sighing contentedly, Tenko let his eyes fall shut to the sound of the rain.

In that moment, with Toshinori’s hand wrapped around his and his own bare fingers wrapped right back around with no fear of anything falling away to dust under his touch, Tenko felt his old fears become nothing but distant memories. He was a hero and no one, not even All for One, could take that away from him. Even though his quirk was gone, the people in his life who really mattered still saw him as a hero. Tenko couldn’t have hoped for more than that. And as he let his thoughts ebb towards the comforting blur of sleep, Tenko smiled and decided that maybe taking up space wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

[thehandmaidtale]

Section XII

Hey reader!

In section twelve, we get to find out what happened to the important women in Offred’s life before becoming a Handmaid. There’s also a chance of a new love interest for Offred, who finally seems to be starting to get her mind together.

Summary

Section XII- Jezebels (Chapters 31-39)

Present:

While speaking of the resistance on a shopping trip, Ofglen tells Offred that the code word for the organization is “Mayday”, but that she should use it carefully in order to prevent being caught.

Upon returning home, Serena Joy tells Offred that she knows she has little time left to get pregnant. Serena thinks that the Commander may be sterile, and asks Offred to sleep with Nick instead. Offred is hesitant to agree, but Serena offers her a picture of her daughter. Then, she goes to see the Commander who now resorts to drinking while she visits him. The Commander, who is high in the chain of Command according to Ofglen, says that the formation of Gilead was necessary because the men were getting bored with women in the old society.

Some time after, Ofglen and Offred attend a “Prayvaganza” which is a ceremony in which the daughters of the Commanders get married off to the Guardians. According to the Commander, these marriages give women happiness as they no longer have to deal with the abandonment or beating of their husbands as in the past society. He says that arranged marriages work better than love marriages.

After the service, Ofglen says that the subversives know that Offred sees her Commander in secret. She advises Offred to learn as much as she can about him, and to inform her once she does.

That night, Serena gives Offred a picture of her daughter. Offred sees her daughter smiling in a white dress, the same colour as the Wives’ daughters wear, and thinks that her daughter probably doesn’t miss her. Then Offred goes to see the Commander, who tells her to put on a revealing costume and makeup since he is taking her out. Offred puts on Serena’s winter cloak  They get into the car with Nick, who does not make eye contact with Offred; this worries Offred.

The Commander takes Offred to a hotel, where many women dressed in strange costumes and other Commanders mingle. Offred is given a purple tag around her wrist, which marks her as an evening rental for the Commander. The Commander says that this hotel, although illegal, is necessary to satisfy men. While he’s off speaking to his friends, Offred spots Moira who is wearing a playboy bunny costume. Moira discreetly gives Offred the signal to meet her in the washroom in five minutes.

When the Commander returns, Offred asks to use the washroom. Outside the washroom, an Aunt tells Offred she has fifteen minutes. When inside, Moira tells Offred what happened after she escaped the Red Centre. She found a Quaker couple, who connected her to the Underground Femaleroad. The network tried to get women out of the country and into safety. She was apprehended by the Eyes right before she made it onto a boat. She was tortured and showed videos about the Colonies. Moira says she saw a video of Offred’s mother in one of them, working in the fields of toxic waste. Moira was given a choice between the Colonies and the club, called “Jezebel’s”. Moira said she chose Jezebel’s because the life expectancy in the Colonies was three years, and at least they gave her face cream here. She tells Offred to consider coming here as well, which upsets Offred since she is sad to see Moira not being her usual rebel self. Offred comments that she never sees Moira again after this encounter.

Later, the Commander takes Offred into one of the hotel rooms. Offred feels no excitement at the situation, and tells herself to try to remember what it feels like to enjoy sex.

Past:  On a shopping trip, Offred and Ofglen see a man at the Wall with a J hung around his neck. They are confused by it because if the man were Jewish, he would be marked with the Star of David. All jewish people were told to either convert or to emigrate to Israel when Gilead was formed. A similar case went for Catholic nuns, but young nuns were given the option to become Handmaid’s if they converted. Old nuns were sent to the Colonies.

Offred remembers when her and Luke tried to escape using fake IDs. The Guards at the border picked up the phone and called someone after inspecting theirs. Luke quickly turned the car and drove away, and then they took it to foot to try and shake off the Guards.

When in the hotel room, Offred excuses herself to use the bathroom. She recalls her mother, who she assumed had been dead. Luke and Offred had gone to look for her mother in her apartment after she hadn’t visited in awhile, and found the apartment in a mess. They didn’t go to the police, since Luke no longer trusted them. Offred is sad that the Colonies took away her mother’s spirit.

Analysis

Characters:

Offred’s emotions and feelings are the most grounded they have been throughout the whole novel. She feels sentimental towards her mother and Moira, and longing for her daughter. These feelings are connected to love, which is what Gilead has been depriving Offred of. Love is important to Offred, since in her mind she believes that falling in love is always better than an arranged marriage. We see Offred tying the connections between the three women from her past. These connections can allow her mind to rest and contemplate less on the past and moreso on the present. The only person left is Luke. I don’t think Luke really matters, though. I think she needs a male to tie a connection to instead. This male might be Nick. If the sexual tension between the two is real, as Offred says it is, then maybe she can find herself within Nick. Perhaps if she can trust Nick, she can trust men as a whole and in turn trust humanity to one day be just.

Nick is a Guard, but it is possible that he’s more than that. Why is it that the Commander trusts him so much, as to illegally take Offred with him to Jezebel’s? Either the Commander is so hung up in his own rank that he thinks he is above the law, or Nick is hoping to gain something from the Commander. Nick, from Offred’s unreliable perspective, seems to be disappointed in Offred for going with the Commander to Jezebel’s. Does he actually like Offred or is Offred wanting him to care for her? If he cares, then why is he letting the Commander take her out?

Moira’s destiny is depressing, especially since she served as a symbolism of hope and resistance in the previous chapters. To know that the system has broken her in a sense only proves that Gilead is capable of working, and that is why it is a threat to us. I’m happy Moira gets to hook up with a lot of women though. Keep slaying, girl.

The Commander took selfish to a whole new level. Not only is has he cheated on his Wife multiple times, but he thinks it’s justified to do so. He says that men need numerous amount of women, which is why Jezebel’s exists in the first place. He was part of creating Gilead for the sole purpose that he and other men were bored with being able to get with women ‘easily’. He says phrases like “You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs,” to make it sound like his actions were utilitarian. In actuality, they help a minute group of the population, old men, to be able to exploit women and young girls to alleviate their own ‘boredom’ that comes with women being sexually active.

Plot:

Now, we understand the formation of Gilead and what the society values, the Colonies, how Offred ended up where she is, what happened to Moira, Offred’s mother, and Offred’s daughter. The introduction of Jezebel’s changes our perception of Gilead. If Jezebel’s is illegal, why are so many Commander’s taking part in it? We don’t know much about the structure of Gilead’s government, but if Commanders hold a high rank and are doing something illegal then aren’t they under threat of losing their titles? There must be a higher status than Commanders, who have deemed Jezebel’s illegal. If Aunts are located in Jezebel’s, then surely it isn’t illegal. Perhaps this misaligning of values is illegal officially but legal practically as a gesture to complete the male-centric experience that Gilead offers.

We also learn about the Underground Femaleroad. This ensures that the resistance exists, and that the government is handling it. The Colonies are formally introduced as what may be a form of concentration camps: they’re full of toxic waste and use the labour of old and persecuted women. I’m curious to know if people of colour are also sent there, as we haven’t heard much of them in the novel.

Themes:

The church and the state: With new information on how Jews and Quakers were treated, we know explicitly that religious intolerance is rampant in Gilead. With the persecution of Jews and the use of the Colonies as concentration camps, Margaret Atwood must have used Nazi Germany’s setup as inspiration to the structure of Gilead. Rather than racial purity being the purpose, instead the goal of Gilead is to establish control on women. Hitler blamed Jews for the fall of Germany, and Gilead blames women and their choices in terms of their own sexualities for the country’s dire condition. Hitler solved it by getting rid of Jews, Gilead solves it by getting rid of choice.

Women’s role in society:

In Gilead, women who can’t reproduce are deemed worthless unless they are married to men of prestige. Old women are automatically sent to the colonies, and young women are to choose between Jezebel’s and the Colonies. Moira’s answer to the option she was given adds women empowerment to Offred’s narrative. Moira chose to be a prostitute rather than Handmaid. At least as prostitute, you have control over your own body. You get face cream. This face cream, which has been repeatedly mentioned throughout the novel, represents self-care. Moira and the other women in Jezebel’s are the only women who have bodies that are truly theirs, which is why they get to take care of themselves. Moira has something to gain from how she uses her body, whereas Handmaid’s only have their dignity to lose if they can’t reproduce. Jezebel’s challenges the idea that prostitutes have no self-respect, and instead says that these women value themselves and their bodies more than any other women in Gilead.

That’s all for this section. Tune in for the finale of The Handmaid’s Tale to find out how Nick and Offred get it on, and what will become of our increasingly stable protagonist.